Dear God

Dear God,
I really don't like who I am these days. I seem to only care for myself. My sense of compassion is shrinking. And my patience with people is quasi-non existent. I write and talk about how I want to serve You, and how I want to know You, and how I want to glorify You.
But when I really think about it, I am just a selfish little kid who wants attention, love, acceptance; who still manages to think she is better than others; and who continues to try to please everyone.
I talk too much, and I don't love enough.
I read too much, and I don't pray enough.
I criticise too much, and I don't do anything to change.
I try to get everything right - so much so, that I can't get anything done, let alone it being done decently.
I am fakely authentic.
And I let people convince me that I'm ok instead of falling to my knees in repentance.
I could finish this by saying "and yet Your amazing grace covers all of that".
Truth is, I don't think I even know Your grace. Not in my heart, I don't.
But I think I may be ready to learn, if You're still willing to teach me.

Tonight

I bought my plane ticket for Chicago. The leap into the unknown has just became real. I just got scared of missing people. I am really excited about getting involved in new things, and being in a new environment. But tonight my heart hurts for the close friends I'm leaving.
And so continues my endless coming and going...

"Stay away from me, cause I'll be gone soon
It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
It's nothing that you've done, you're not the only one
I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon.
I keep forgetting to keep you an arms length aways."
- Matt Wertz, Falling Off The Face Off The Earth

My Smile-Filled Sunday

God gave me a really cool gift today.
He allowed me to lead worship (well, I wasn't leading worship, I was in the worship team) at church with one of my best friends (who happens to be a pretty darn good musician).
It was so sweet, I was smiling the whole day.
And it wasn't just because it sounded good. Or just because it's fun to do stuff with your friends. Or even because I got a lot of encouraging words after it.
You see, I am deeply convinced that I need to be doing ministry with people that I love. And every time I get a chance to, I just feel a huge sense of God's blessing. It's like "yeah, this is what ministry should be like".
So, I had a smile-filled Sunday. And I'm just really thankful for it.
Definitely a cool gift.
Thanks, God.

Toi

Comment expliquer?
C'est dans tout ce que tu dis
Tout ce que tu fais
Tout ce que tu es.
Et moi,
J'attends.
Mes mots se perdent
Mes pensées se confondent
Et toi, tu arrives
Toujours au bon moment.

Ungathered Thoughts

I can be really influenced by the people around me. I wish it was the opposite. I end up looking like whoever it is I spend most time with. Why is that? If I was spending lots of time with God, I guess it would be a good thing. But alas, this is not the case.

Some people have the ability of killing my enthusiasm. It's weird. They'll just say a couple things and my once high heart sinks low into my soles. Then I'm in a funk for the rest of the day. I don't know if it's my constant search for approval or their lack of encouaragement. Probably a mix of both.

I can't wait to go to the States. I am nervous, because who knows where I will be living and how I'll be earning. But I can't wait to be in a new, stimulating environment. There isn't much here that "stimulates" me. I used to be so into photography, so into music, so into writing. Now, I just go through my days with hollow passion and a shrinking capacity for dreams.

I wish I understood what it really meant to follow Jesus. That it is not just a simple add-on to life. I want to live in Christian community, I want to be challenged every day to live completely surrendered to Him. I don't feel very faithful to Him these days.

Failed

Yesterday I was really exhausted after work. On the bus ride home, a mentally handicapped guy sat next to me and started talking to me. Endlessly. About people living in squats, about acceptance, about being misunderstood by one's parents.
It bugged me. All I wanted was for him to stop talking so that I could close my eyes and doze off. I made an effort to answer him. But I didn't engage into the conversation. I didn't ask him questions. I didn't show much interest, or love, or anything like that. I was actually more concerned with what the normal people around me were overhearing of our conversation than with how much this young man needed to talk to someone.
And I was really glad when I got off the bus.

In case you were wondering, I'm the one who often talks about social justice. About loving the unlovable. About following Jesus no matter what the cost. Apparently, I only want to do that when it's convenient for me. Only during my scheduled community service hours. Don't ask me to be faithful to Jesus when I'm in a bad mood or after I've worked nine hours or when I just don't feel like it.

My handicapped bus companion said "you know, the girl from the squat that I talked to said that many young people aren't open, they don't understand people who are different. But you can always come hang out at the squat, we'll always welcome you here".

I hope he meets someone from a church one day, and that they tell him the same about the church. I sure failed. And there goes another wasted opportunity for making this world a little more right.