Dear God
Dear God,
I really don't like who I am these days. I seem to only care for myself. My sense of compassion is shrinking. And my patience with people is quasi-non existent. I write and talk about how I want to serve You, and how I want to know You, and how I want to glorify You.
But when I really think about it, I am just a selfish little kid who wants attention, love, acceptance; who still manages to think she is better than others; and who continues to try to please everyone.
I talk too much, and I don't love enough.
I read too much, and I don't pray enough.
I criticise too much, and I don't do anything to change.
I try to get everything right - so much so, that I can't get anything done, let alone it being done decently.
I am fakely authentic.
And I let people convince me that I'm ok instead of falling to my knees in repentance.
I could finish this by saying "and yet Your amazing grace covers all of that".
Truth is, I don't think I even know Your grace. Not in my heart, I don't.
But I think I may be ready to learn, if You're still willing to teach me.
I really don't like who I am these days. I seem to only care for myself. My sense of compassion is shrinking. And my patience with people is quasi-non existent. I write and talk about how I want to serve You, and how I want to know You, and how I want to glorify You.
But when I really think about it, I am just a selfish little kid who wants attention, love, acceptance; who still manages to think she is better than others; and who continues to try to please everyone.
I talk too much, and I don't love enough.
I read too much, and I don't pray enough.
I criticise too much, and I don't do anything to change.
I try to get everything right - so much so, that I can't get anything done, let alone it being done decently.
I am fakely authentic.
And I let people convince me that I'm ok instead of falling to my knees in repentance.
I could finish this by saying "and yet Your amazing grace covers all of that".
Truth is, I don't think I even know Your grace. Not in my heart, I don't.
But I think I may be ready to learn, if You're still willing to teach me.
posted by Thais at 8:56 AM
2 Comments:
T, I definitely know what you are going through. I seem to be faced with the same thing. I feel like I am becoming more inward-focused every day and less focused on God and on others. I hate it, and don't know how to break free of it. But I came across this verse today in an e-mail from a friend and thought I might share it with you, cause I think it gets to the core of what I need to do:
"Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." Matt 11:29
Have not had time to really ponder this verse today, so no deep revelations (cause you know I am such a deep and insightful person! Haha!). But thought you might enjoy it.
love,
diana
p.s. when are you going to be in chicago? i would love to come visit you and m once you get settled in, etc. :-)
Hello Thais,
this is Julia, we met (after almost 2 years!) at Starbucks about two weeks ago and I have been trying to get in touch with you via email but I guess it didn`t get through.
Acutally, I got your blog address from Mike Bischoff when I asked him if he knew of any "emerging churches"/postmodern Christians in Geneva. I was quite astonished when I recognized your face and, well, I am just really eager to get together sometime and chat about..
I hear you are going to Chicago? Just let me know when you have time; I will be around (continuing my studis at uniGe).
Grace and Peace,
Julia
PS. Your last entery really spoke to me.. I suspect it is a universal Christian experience, part of our growth but non the less awful to be in. May we learn -by His grace- to more fully understand and live in His grace. I am so ofen stuck with concepts and cognitive analisation rather than understanding His truths with the heart.
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