Hotel Rwanda

Tonight, I watched the movie Hotel Rwanda.
I don't really have the right words to describe my emotions...
Anger. How can people kill so hatefully? So heinously? How can the West have stayed so damn silent while millions suffered and died in Rwanda?
Grief. Entire families were wiped out and left dead on the open road for everyone to see. Innocent people. Brothers, sister, mothers, aunts, fathers, friends.
Guilt. How can I be satisfied selling coffee and watching rich children get new toys and coming up with new theological theories? Can I justify two years in seminary when there is terrible injustice going on all around me?
Incomprehension. How can God even bear to look down upon this? How can there be so much injustice in a world that He has created and willed into being?
Brokeness. God - what can I do? what can we do? bring me out of selfishness. help me be a peacemaker. a comforter. a bearer of justice.

One line hit me hard. A journalist in the story says "even if the horror is portrayed and shown in the media, the people will watch, and say "how horrible". Then they'll go back to eating their dinner".

I found this prayer as I was researching the current situation in Sudan... It is one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever read.

May God bless you with discomfort,
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial
relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger,
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of
people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and
peace.

May God bless you with tears,
To shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation,
and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn
their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness,
To believe that you can make a difference in this
world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be
done.
Amen.

Empty Space

I'm overdue for a post. Truth is, I don't have much inspiration. My heart and mind and soul have been busy processing and thinking and taking in and responding and being confused.
Life is good. I have a free place to live. I have a free car to drive. I have jobs that pay good money. I'm meeting good people. God provides faithfully. And mercifully. I am learning that.
But life is hard, too. Leaving a place where you belong is hard, no matter how much you feel like you need to move on. I've been here for two months. I've met some great people. I've had some good times with one of my best friends.
But I don't have that feeling of belonging. And that, in all honesty, has been the cause of many a tear. Who woulda thunk?
I'm in a suburb full of people, near a city full of people. I live with people. I work with people. I talk to people.
But I don't really laugh. Like the hearty laugh that makes your abs hurt. I don't drop in on people. I don't share memories. I don't have history with anyone. I don't share a common purpose with anyone.
I'm not really part of anything.
I don't belong.
So that's me right now. I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me or anything. Just reflecting on how much community can be taken for granted. On how much I need it. On how much I had it.
God, if nothing else, let this empty space, this hole left by the sense of disappearing community, let this empty space be filled by YOU. Teach me now the things I couldn't learn then. Teach me.