Sometimes life is weird.
Dusk stirrs you.
You feel a little dizzy.
You do things you never usually do.
You sit by the lake alone.
You listen to "When You Say Nothing At All".
And it's just another evening...

Wisdom from Buechner

So I was reading a collection of Buechner's little essays... And I cam across something rather profound, and it went straight to my heart. I sat there, kind of stunned, and had to stop reading. It was in an essay entitled "The Power of God and the Power of Man".. Here it what I read:

Maybe some say "I know human love, and I know something of its power to
heal, to set free, to give meaning and peace, but God's love I know only as a
phrase." Maybe others also say thins, "For all the power that human love has to
heal, there is something deep within me and within the people I know best that
is not healed but aches with longing still. So if God's love is powerful enough
to reach that deep, how do I find it? How?"
If that is really the question, if we are really seeking this power, then I
have one thing to say [...]: ask for it. [...] Ask, and you will receive. And
there is the other side to it too: if you have never known the power of God's
love, then maybe it is because you have never asked to know it - I mean really
asked, expecting an answer. [...]
Pray to Him, is what I am saying. In whatever words you have. "Lord, I
believe; help my unbelief" is the best any of us can do really, but thank God it
is enough. [...] Prayer is so foreign to us. It's so hard and it is so
easy. And everything depends on it. Seek. Ask. And by God's grace we will
find. In Christ's name and with his power I can promise you this.

I guess I am not the only one who struggles with feeling like I don't really KNOW or EXPERIENCE God's love. I am not the only one who struggles with expecting too much from people, because they are, in many ways, the place where I find healing, incomplete as it may be.... It feels good to realise one is not alone in thinking these things.
Maybe it's time I do some asking. Some seeking. Some believing. So help my unbelief!

Be Near

But as for me,the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,

That I may tell of all Your works.

Psalm 73:28

This verse inspired Shane & Shane's song "Be Near". Do I really believe that the nearness of God is my GOOD? I do. I really really really do. I miss His nearness. I miss the wonder God causes in my heart. I miss seeing Him and feeling like I'm living for Him. Alive! Filled with joy! Being overwhelmed with His presence... To taste Him... To taste His goodness... Is there anything else to life?

"to trust in grace through faith
but i'm asking to taste...
for dark is light to You
depths are height to You
far is near but Lord, i need to hear from You
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace...
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good."
- Shane&Shane

Maybe I'm under the weather.
Or maybe it's listening to Shane & Shane.
It could be the time of year.
Or just being 25.
But I'm feeling melancholic. I miss my friendships. I can't really explain it, but I don't like growing up and losing people. Losing them to other countries, losing them to other activities, losing them to busy-ness.
Maybe the melancholy is also from God. He is maybe saying to me, Thais, I will never leave you or forsake you. The kind of deep relationship you are craving can only be found in Me. Come spend time with Me...
The problem is my heart. It doesn't react. It doubts. It has a hard time acting on what it can't see or feel. It isn't letting my mind direct it. It's like it has a life of its own and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it!
Speak to my heart, Jesus... I'm begging You.

May It Last.

I'm happy today!
I got back from a weekend in Zurich that was refreshing. Refreshing because I met a few people whom I really connected with. Because I saw how God is moving in a LOT of young Swiss people's hearts. Because I got to spend time and discuss life with one of my best friends.
I went to Shema and had a moving time of worship through song. There's something about the band there - it feels like I encounter God almost every time I go.
We continued the worship down by the lake with a few friends. I felt like I was in community, which is something I haven't been feeling recently.

Most importantly though, as a result of those three things and of having had some good conversation with my friend Marie recently, I feel a little bit of my passion resurfacing. I feel like spending time with Jesus. I feel like praying, and singing, and reading the Word. I'm hungry for Him... I want to bring my plans for September to Him - and wait on Him.

I think I'm ready to do whatever, God, as long as I know it's You who's calling me to it... I'm waiting for You, Jesus. I want to get reacquainted with You. I don't want to go anywhere without Your direction. I know You're there all the time - but I pray that my heart would really sense You as I try to lay my plans down at Your feet. You know what's best. I pray that I would trust You, and that I would take the time and the effort to listen to You. And I know what that takes: falling in love with You again. Help me see You - because if I see You, there's no way I can do anything but fall in love with You... In the words of Shawn McDonald, won't you please "make me more real"...