Sometimes, I just can't.

Yesterday, at Border's in Los Angeles, I discovered the "Real Life Preacher". He's been blogging for quite a while, and has had so much success, that they published a book of his most popular posts.
I randomly picked up that book, and started reading it. And was hooked. In a post about his growing up, he writes:
"There was a leeetle problem though. Early on it became apparent that something was different about me. I couldn’t make myself believe some parts of the bible. I was a natural born skeptic [...] I wanted to believe. Believing seemed nice, but I couldn’t. I COULD NOT. I felt strange and out of place because everyone else at church seemed to believe everything." [read his complete story here]
I related to that so strongly that I had to put the book down and think about it for a while.

I have just come to LA after spending five days in Dallas with my friend Whitney and her friends. We had many good conversations. The kind that get you all fired up and excited about life and all its intricacies. But some converations made me feel very... different. They were the conversations about praying or reading the Bible or depending on God for things. Some people have such simple faith. They talk to God and believe that He listens and responds. Really believe. I envy them.
I envy them because when I sit down and pray, I often wonder if there is any use in it. I wonder sometimes if God hears me. I wonder if my prayer will change anything.
I envy them because more often than not, my Bible-reading time just leaves me more confused about life instead of inspired and spiritual.
I want to believe. But sometimes, I can't. I just CANNOT.

When I read Real Live Preacher, I felt like I wasn't the only one. It spoke to my soul.

I will never walk away from Jesus. He is all I know. He gives me purpose and passion and a desire to change the world. He makes me want to love people I don't want to love. Having faith in Him is hard for me. But at the end of the day, it is good. And I thank Him for His grace.