Confessions...

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10

I went on a walk tonight and sat by the lake for a while. Spring is most definitely in the air, and there is something about it that fills me with undefinable melancholy. It happens with every change in season. I start thinking about certain people, certain songs, and certain events that have had an impact on me during that particular season. Back to my walk, however. It was good to have a time of stillness. I've been running around too much lately. It was good, but it was also hard, because I felt really convicted. You see, I am a still very much a people-pleaser. Much more so than I am a God-pleaser. Peoples' approval is sadly very much what motivates me.
I live for my friends' approval. I want them to think I'm deep and spiritual and encouraging and passionate and smart. I want them to think I'm a great friend.
I live for my church community's approval. I want them to think I'm a good example, that I'm dedicated, that I'm brave for going off to Thailand on my own, that I'm a good worship leader.
I live for kids' approval - I want them to look up to me, I want them to think I'm cool, inspiring, fun, non-judgemental, interesting.
I live for my leaders' and mentors' approval - I want them to think I am smart, thoughtful, relevant, useful, good at ministry.
My words could fool a lot of people into thinking I'm all out for Jesus. But if you were to see my life, my actions, you wouldn't know I even KNOW God. I don't pray much. I treat people with a lot of arrogance. I have the worst of critical spirits. I seek to control people. I am incredibly selfish.
If I was in step with the Spirit - if I really lived in relationship with Jesus - wouldn't my life display things like peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? Funny that most of those things are precisely what I lack.
Oh if only I were a GOD-pleaser... I so need to focus on my relationship with Christ. If I don't abide in Him, all of this is to no avail. None whatsoever... So help me, God! Help me to love YOU, and not just the idea of You. Help me to serve YOU, and not just Your people. Help me to seek YOU, not just the advice of Your saints...I just thought of the Shane Barnard song "Received". It reflects exactly how I feel tonight. So I'll leave you with the lyrics.

Received
You can only go so far until the bottom falls out.
All my singing, smiling. Pleasure finds me, i'm all right
Pretty melody dedicated to God.
To be called by one Almighty God and take it for granted.
Heard a rumor i guess, but i wanna know who told me
Told me serving You replaced me knowing You!

Can i be received?
Unclean oh Lord am I.
Find me in my shame
You are all I need
Please don't pass me by
I call upon Your name

You whispered to Your child today
But i haven't got a minute to listen
Your child is busy with the work of God and taking Him for granted
Got a lot to do today, kingdom work's the game I play
Lord, my serving You replaced me knowing You.