::.towards less of me.::

Psalm of Lament

2007-10-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

For my Psalms class, we have to write our own psalms, following the basic rules for the different types of psalms. This week, we had to write a psalm of lament. Here is mine, that I wrote right after having seen a play about child soldiers in Uganda.

PSALM OF LAMENT
(after seeing "Butterflies of Uganda")

We've heard it said
You are righteous and You are just.
We've heard it said, You are committed to us,
You hear the cry of the oppressed,
And You don't break promises.
Our Mothers and Fathers
Our Teachers and Pastors
They spoke of Your faithfulness.

But today, we do not see justice.
We do not see righteousness.
Today, we do not see faithfulness.

I see our families being ripped apart.
I hear gunshots;
The cries of our mothers being raped.
The cries of our fathers being maimed.
I smell the smoke from our charred homes,
I feel the hot breath of the rebels on our necks,
I hear their shrill voices ordering us
To kill.

I've heard of Moses, how You parted the Red Sea,
I've heard of Paul, how You delivered him from prison,
I've heard of the blind man, You gave him sight.
Oh God,
Have You heard of us?

We are the child soldiers,
Will you deliver us?

What have we done, Lord?
We were blameless.
We were children.
We played, we laughed, we sang to You.

Tonight it is cold, it is dark, it is haunting.
We plead;
Act on our behalf.
Hear our cry.
We trust, as much as we know how.
We want to believe in the power of your miracles.
Give us a reason for our hope,
For Your name's sake.
For us.
So we can join our Mothers, our Fathers,
Our teachers, our Pastors,
In telling of Your faithfulness.
Make haste, Lord,
Make haste to save us.
Amen.

2007-10-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

I "randomly" fell upon an old Robbie Seay song I used to play all the time. As I listened to it again today, after something like two years, I was reminded about how much this song still who I want to be. it's simple, not academic, not particulary poetic, but to me, it's profound.

all i want

all i want is my frustation to be replaced with signs of spring
all i want is confirmation that You're gonna see me through this thing

all i want,
all i want,
all i want is You.

all i want is just a window to let me know there's light outside
all i want is confirmation that what i'm feeling isn't right.

all i want is that You'd find me and i'd have nothing more to say.
all i want is pure reflection of the One who's standing right in front of me.

2007-08-29T18:04:00.001-07:00

"A perilous proposition […] asserts that Christianity, by its very nature, is concerned exclusively with the relation of the soul to eternity, that the essential realization religion should provide is the worthlessness of human expectations of a better life on earth. It insists that the son of God took our flesh not to relieve our sufferings but to forgive our sins, and so the Church’s function is to focus not on violations of social justice but on the undying hardness of human hearts.
This thesis does violence to Scripture. Those who read in the biblical text a sheerly personal, individualistic morality have not understood the Torah, have not sung the Psalms, have not been burned by the prophets, have not perceived the implications and the very burden of Jesus’ message, and must inevitably play fast and loose with St Paul. "

- Burghardt.

2007-08-07T20:01:00.001-07:00

why is there more in the news about the collapsed minnesotan bridge where 9 people died than there is about the floods in south asia, where millions of people are awaiting relief?

The End of Another Quarter

2007-06-10T01:36:00.001-07:00

This time around, being done with papers feels much like the end of the Bac. I handed in my papers and a sense of giddiness/laughter/"grande joie" entered my stomach, making its way up to my face.
And since then, it's been one good thing after the other: Leffe Blonde, Soccer, Margaritas.
Oh, student life. How I love it.

Musings.

2007-05-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am not one to speak up in class very often. But if there's something that really grabs me, then I'll discuss it (often to the death) until I gain some increased understanding. In my Anthropology class about folk beliefs and practices, the questions abound. I speak up way too often, it seems.
This week, I was struggling with the understanding and expression of my own beliefs and practices. I seem to tend towards a more monastic spirituality, I want to stay away from formulas and treating Jesus merely like "my best buddy" or someone I can bargain with. My spirituality is usually more concerned with the philosophical and the mystical than it is with the immediate, than with the efficiency of my prayers. [although I do appreciate that God is involved in the latter too.]
The question for me is how does my spirituality, that is somewhat other-worldly and sort of abstract, connect with cultures where people are concerned with what works right now and with what best answers their immediate needs?

I left class feeling like the most important thing - and this is basic - is to let myself be transformed by Christ. Persevere in the disciplines. Seek His presence all the time and do so with intentionality. Be open to the guiding of the Spirit, whatever that looks like. Let my transformed life be enough of a witness. I can't rely on my own smart anthropological insights to communicate Christ to people - I can only be in touch with the Source and let Him communicate through me...

So help me God to be Your faithful instrument.

Hermosa Beach Church Retreat

2007-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Good times!
Especially late nights in the lobby.
What?

The Little Things In Life

2007-05-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Life can be bettered by a multitude of different things, like profound philosophical discoveries or spiritual insight or deep conversation. But lately, this place is what has added goodness to my life:

It rivals Les Brasseurs.
Which, if you know me, is a quite a statement.
It kind of feels like home away from home.
In a weird way :)

Strawberries and Covenant Community

2007-04-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

A Wycliffe worker in Papua New Guinea once saw hundreds of strawberries floating down the village river. He found out that they were the unsold strawberries from the local market - it was too much of a hassle for the farmer to carry them back to their villages, so the easiest way to dispose of them was to throw the surplus into the river.
Well, there was a city not too far away, and the Wycliffe worker thought strawberries might sell there for a high price. He talked to the farmers and said that if they boxed their extra strawberries, he would fly them to the city and sell them at the markets there.
The idea yielded much profit. The strawberries were selling so well that they soon covered the cost of the plane fuel, a small salary for the workers, and even provided for a high-interest fund that was divided among the farmers at the end of the year.
There were a couple things that made the project difficult however. One was that the village farmers would often cheat by putting rotten berries at the bottom of the boxes - it was a cultural norm for them to cheat as long as they didn't get caught. And cheating was made easier by the fact that no one openly confronted anybody else in the culture. Confrontation was something they never did. Soon enough, the city people stopped buying the strawberries, because they realised how many rotten ones they were getting. The Wycliffe worker explained this to the farmers: "If you put rotten strawberries into the boxes, no one will want to buy them, and soon enough, you will make no more extra money off of these strawberries." He confronted them when he saw the farmers cheating and made each farmer label his boxes for accountability. The project continued to be successful and to benefit the farmers.
Eventually, it was time for the Wycliffe worker to leave. He trained the farmers to handle the money, taught them how to handle the city markets, etc. He left the business in the hands of a few trusted farmers.
Three months later, the strawberry business went under. The city people were not buying the farmers' strawberries, because they were finding, once again, that half of the boxes were filled with rotten fruit. These farmers' culture had worked against them - with no one to do any confronting, the farmers had started cheating again.

My professor told us this story to illustrate the need for establishing covenant community: a kind of community where relationship and commitment to one another is central - community like God intends it, no matter what culture one exists in. The farmers in this story were all Christians - but the Gospel hadn't transformed their cheating or their inability to confront one another.
He argued that the only way one can "teach" covenant community is through simulation - in this case, the Wycliffe worker could have had his farmers simulate the two approaches to the strawberry project; their way and the covenant community way. By role-playing and being in other people's shoes, the truth could have been driven home: the way God intends things to be is really the way things work best... It goes beyond Bible studies and training seminars. People need to be involved and they need to experience the way these values play out.

So, these are the kinds of things I'm learning about in seminary. That day, I learned that there need to be those people who can "train" people in covenant community. And you know what? I think that's something I could do, as a Christian anthropologist! It's even something I could be quite passionate about! And all that, without even having to become a nurse or an engineer or something... Exciting prospect! It reminded me of being in Thailand and having such a strong desire for the Christians there to be living out what they were being taught by the missionaries. I remember being so much more concerned with how Bible studies affected their everyday interactions with one another, moreso than with how many verses they could recite or what they could say about it. I love this kind of stuff - it makes my heart excited.

Gethsemani

2007-03-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

After a brief exhange with a monk at Gethsemani Abbey (where Thomas Merton was a monk), I found myself longing for a much deeper experience of Christ: more contemplation, more intentionality in my pursuit of Him, and ultimately, more love for Him and for people.

Born Into Brothels

2007-03-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, eyes filled with tears. I just watched "Born Into Brothels" and really, I don't think I can craft a post that does justice to all the emotions I've just experienced.
All I know, is that when I saw those kids - kids with no future, abused and beat by their parents, and seemingly doomed to a life of crime in Calcutta's brothels - when I saw those kids' eyes light up as they saw their own work on display for the whole world to see... it just really moved me. [as I said, I am at a loss for trying to express it all.]
The power of releasing creativity in marginalized people is just incredible. I hope I get to experience something like this first hand someday.
This picture was taken by one of the boys who grew up in Calcutta's Red District. [taken from www.kidswithcameras.com]:

the unthinkable

2007-02-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

i just did the unthinkable.
i hang my head in shame.
i microwaved a cup of leftover drip coffee from yesterday!
i think i've hit the bottom.

Walter Brueggeman

2006-11-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

My new favourite book is a collection of Walter Brueggeman's prayers. And this is why:

"All power, honour, glory be to you!
You... sometimes hidden, silent, absent, unresponsive.
We are so privileged that we seldom sense you
hidden, silent, absent, unresponsive.
But we know people who do,
we think of places where you do not appear.
We imagine you defeated
weak,
held captive.
And we wait a day
two days,
until the third day.
And then, most often then,
quite reliably then,
you appear then in your full glory.
This day we pray against your absence, silence, and hiddeness.
Come with your full power into deathly places,
and we will praise you deep and full. Amen."
- Walter Brueggeman

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-09-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

I just saw the best movie I have seen in years!
It was real, it was endearing, it was hilarious.
I mean, seriously, I laughed out loud til I was crying!
Go see it.

I've Been Thinking About:

2006-09-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

The UN General Assembly, in session right now - a lot of words being said. it scares me a little about the state of the world.
Darfur & The Democratic Republic of Congo - it's genocide happening all over again. what am i doing about it? what are you?
Living in Pasadena - went out to lucky baldwin's last night, where there was no music and everyone was quiet, because they were shooting a scene. only in southern california!
School - it starts next week, and i am really looking forward to it.

Hopefully, I will be better about writing on here. Sorry for the long silence...

Pendant Ce Temps, a Geneve...

2006-08-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Right now, back in Geneva, six of my favourite people (most of my favourite people, actually) are spending their evening together, laughing, eating thai food, and sharing life.
I miss each and every one of them.
And I miss what we are when we're together.
These friendships have taken time. The community they've come to create is something I yearn for almost daily. Some of these people I have grown up with. Some, I have been in ministry with. Some, I have served with. Some, I have been on three different contintents with. They know me. I know them. We all know each other - to a certain degree, at least.
These people are home to me. I love them, I miss them, I want to be in ministry with them.
Ah, impossible dreams!

Rob Bell At Fuller

2006-08-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

Rob Bell spoke at Fuller last night. It was good, it was inspiring, it was challenging. Everything I expected from the man, really. He took us through the exodus - from Egypt to Sinai, to Jerusalem, and finally to Babylon. He noted that Israel's history repeats itself in the lives of His people today, he placed Jesus within this story, and he revealed more of our own story through it. His talk seems to have been an abridged version of a series of four sermons he gave at his church in Grand Rapids called "The New Exodus" - you can find them here.
Hearing him speak made me long for more teachings like this. It made me think about the role of sermons, and the role of teachers within a church community. In my church community, we do not have "sermons". In fact, we rarely have any real "teaching". I am beginning to miss it. And it's not necessarily hearing a person preach from the pulpit that I miss, as much as just learning from someone who knows more than I do about following Jesus; someone passionately sharing what they've learned or how God has been challenging them.
I realise a sermon will rarely change my life - it will not transform me overnight. But solid teaching is good. It is biblical. It is one of the ways I am encouraged to grow. I need it. So without idolising the sermon, let me just state that I miss it...

Father & Son at the hospital

2006-08-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

Our church visited Ronnie at the hospital today. He has been in a coma for two months, after miraculously suriving a motorcycle accident on Angeles Crest Highway. We prayed for him, and spent time with his girlfriend, his mother, and his father.
The tears didn't come to me until I observed his father bending over him, holding his hand, and placing his face inches from his. It was a gesture filled with a love that is rarely witnessed. It was a gesture filled with desperation, and hope, and intensity. It was a picture of a father loving on his comatose son. It was beautiful.
Can you picture God caring for us like that? Loving on us, His comatose people. His children who are so prone to wandering, to forgetfulness, to idolatry. And yet, He holds us close, He whispers, and He cares for us deeply and intensly.

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Malibu Creek State Park

2006-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

Goodness

2006-07-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.
Good hangout time with people from church.
I am in love with a Joshua Radin song called "These Photographs."
I love having a house to myself.
Nights are cooling down and I can hear crickets.
I love moments like these.

What?!

2006-07-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

The one year bible is having me read through the book of Romans right now. I'm reminded how much i really don't get this whole predestination thing. It makes me want stop being a Christian. I do not understand how God can create people just as objects of wrath (Romans 9:13-24). I understand that a potter has the right to create some pots for decoration and some for trash. But pots don't have souls or feelings or hearts or tears.
How can God call some to Himself while He lets others' hearts harden?

How can i trust - really trust - a God like that???

The answers i want to give myself are:
- look at Jesus - He radically loved everyone. Preoccupy yourself with following his teachings and imitating his life.
- His ways are not your ways. Trust that God is good, even though it may seem completely foolish.
- "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

But still, I am highly bothered. This seems to be the thorn in my side, the one that keeps coming back...

Growing Up

2006-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

I remember reading the first few chapter of Thomas Merton's book Seven Story Mountain some years ago. He describes the little French village he grew up in, noting how the village's layout pointed to God. The church was at the center of the village, and it sat on a hill. All the activity was based around the church. That square was where people gathered, where teenagers hung out, where families got their milk and bread.
I grew up in such a village, but never thought twice about its layout.
But I can see how God has had his hand on me since the day I was born. Last night, I heard some Taize hymns and some greek Orthodox chants - the music plunged me into memories of growing up in my little French village. Every Sunday, my family went to church. The kids didn't understand what was going on (the liturgy was all in Greek) but we knew it was meaningful. We weren't talked down to, or exaplained everything. But there was a deep awareness of God. An awe. A curiosity. Something sacred.
I am just starting to see how all these elements - the village, the rituals of church, praying before meals - shaped me. It wasn't cognitive. I didn't understand much of it. But it shaped my soul. It prepared the way. It taught me reverence and awe. It is part of how I understand God and God's ways today.
And I'm really thankful for those early years.

Alive

2006-07-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation today with a friend I met in a class I took during the winter quarter. It was the kind of conversation that leaves you on a high because you feel like you've been heard, encouraged, and challenged all at the same time. A conversation full of the Spirit of God. One thing he said that I want to give a lot of thought and prayer to, was that it might be more in my giftings to inspire and influence people to cultivate a heart for the world and the poor, rather than to go live and serve directly among them. I hadn't thought about that before, and I think he may be on to something.
I've been back in Pasadena for a couple weeks now, and God has been showing up everywhere. I feel like I'm being constantly reminded of who He made to be, and the kinds of things He may want me to do. He continues to teach me about hospitality - and His goodness - through the new family I'm living with. And He is drawing me to Himself in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time - I am finding both time and the desire to be with Him, to pray, to read the Word. How revitalising! It is so easy to lose perspective, and to become self-rigtheous and self-sufficient... It's quite gross, really...

nothing new under the sun

2006-06-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

I spent some time reading past posts from this blog - it seems that the same things keep coming up. My regret at needing people's approval so much, my desire for a relationship with Christ over a new theology, my feeling of loss over moves and friendships.
And as I sit here in Nashville, I'm thinking about all those things all over again.
I'm thinking about how self-centered I can get, and how much correction I need. I'm thinking about how much I lack discipline in seeking Christ, and how much more I need to conform to Him and His ways. I'm thinking about how much I hate goodbyes and how they follow me everywhere I go. I'm thinking about how much I miss involvement in meaningful things.
I feel like I need someone - or a group of people - who will not let me get away with laziness, with bad attitudes, and selfishness. People who will gently force me into a rythm of devotion to God. People who are in love with God and passionate about living out His Kingdom.
I am so tired - and scared! - of living with this sense of mediocrity, this sense of restlesness, this sense that there is so much more I could be doing, so much more I could be becoming.

2006-06-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

it has been so long.
and i long for simpler faith.
for childlike prayer.
for a heart that feels.
for eyes that take it all in.
all the wonder, all the beauty, all the light.
i miss you,
and i can't move me from here.
can you?

time flew

2006-05-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well it's sure been a while. Friends have come and gone, projects have been handed in, babysitting hours have been clocked, boxes are being packed, and I have been slowly fading into exhaustion. In two weeks, I fly out to Nashville; before then I have to take a final, read a few books, and write about them. I also have to pack, babysit, and figure out details like health insurance.
A few highlights from the past few weeks:

Many many road miles and hours and laughter attacks spent with friends from home. Good times.
A visit to The Bridge Communities, a church I fell in love with, a place where I finally was able to engage with God again. And be reminded of what it really is that stirs my heart. Amazing.
Reading Anne Lamott's book on writing, Bird By Bird - it's reconnecting me to my desire for writing. Very inspiring.

It's good to be in places that are "you" - whether it's the people you're with, the church you go to, the books you're reading, or anything else, really. I pray for more little moments like these in the months to come.

Ouch

2006-05-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to be inwardly convicted about a sinful attitude.
It's another thing for a friend to call out the sinful attitude in your life.
Ouch.
In a GOOD way.

Church

2006-05-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

I know, in my head, that the Christian life is not meant to be lived individually. I know that community is central to following Jesus, and that it is often through community that one understands one's self better.
The beauty of community has hit me again. Not just in a head-knowledge kind of way, but in an experiential kind of way.
I am faced with my sinful heart, with my inability to embrace, with my prejudice, with the large gap between my words and my actions and thoughts.
It is foolish to think one can follow in Jesus' way alone, because if I am emotionally removed from people, then I cannot love them in an honouring way. In this sense, community is a great antidote to selfishness. And a prerequisite for following Jesus.

A Little More Alive

2006-04-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last night, I drove down to Orange County with a couple friends from church. We drove down for a surf event after-party... We got onto Pacific Coast Highway at Newport, and drove down the coast to San Juan Capistrano. The air was cool, the tunes were brilliant, and the sun cast its remarkable pre-sunset light... It was beautiful. We saw the ocean, I breathed in, and I felt really alive.
We talked about camping on the beach, about mountain biking, about hiking and having church at the beach... The feeling of aliveness continued as we hung out in a room filled with surfers and musicians.
I miss that side of my life. The outdoorsy, snowboarding-crowd, adventurous side. I love studying and being at Fuller, that is an undeniable side of mine - but can it be possible to bridge these?

At church this morning, we started to dream. What about if we all lived in community, in a big house by the beach? What if we had strangers over for dinner? What if we catered to the community somehow? What if we learned how to surf, and had campfires and worship sessions on the beach? What if? If this were ever to happen, I can't even begin to imagine how thrilled I would be.

I love dreaming. That's where good things start happening.

"But he doesn't have anything on!"

2006-04-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the little kid in The Emperor's New Clothes.
Like everyone is tiptoeing around the truth.
Or finding clever terms to explain away things that strike me as being just plain stupid.

Maybe I'm just really insensitive.

Romans 14:1-4

2006-04-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way you do.
Like those who mix faith and politics, those who support the war, those who close themselves off in their suburban ghettos, those who don't think critically, those who use isolated Scripture passages to support their opinions.

And don't jump all over them every time they do or say something you don't agree with - don't get all self-righteous and prideful and sit in the back of the church pointing out how consumeristic worship has become, or how you would never preach such a shallow sermon, or how you are so glad you are not like all these other Christians who clap and sing and smile for Jesus, while they seem to ignore that following Him is hard as hell sometimes. - even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department.

Remember, they have their own history to deal with.
They may lack love, lack community, experience rejection, wonder at their purpose, have deep issues, be unable to communicate, live in fear, struggle for approval. Kind of like you...

Treat them gently.
Like God has treated you. Like God treats you every single minute of every single day.

For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume all Christians should be vegeterians and eat accordingly.
Some may think alcohol is from Satan. Some may think the Beatles are from Satan. Some may think dancing is from Satan. And some may think this culture is evil, too evil for redemption, so they chose to keep it at arm's length.

But since both are guests at Christ's table, wouldn't it be terribly rude if they fell to criticising what the other ate or didn't eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table.
Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God's welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle it without your help.

I am so sorry. Teach me to speak truth with grace, and keep me from grace-defying judgement.

Heart-Handicap

2006-03-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today: overwhelmed and restless.
I took a twenty minute walk into the hills, away from everything, and sat.
A lady came along, walking a mentally handicapped woman up the hill. The latter kept grunting and having convulsions. They communicated in sign language. The caretaker was patient, and gentle, and so kind. I wanted to cry as I stared stupidly.
I thought to myself: I am heart-handicapped. My selfishness is like an ugly tumor enveloping my heart. It makes me grunt and go into convulsions. It puts a limp into my walk and a harshness in my tone. It hampers my communication.
Yet there is a God who walks up the hill with me. He is patient and kind, and his love, strangely enough, endures forever.

And Isn't It Ironic?

2006-03-29T11:08:00.000-08:00

The family I live with is getting their house "staged" so that it sells better. This means that some highly payed individual comes in, looks around, and proceeds to apply her suburbanite savvy to the house's general look. This has taken the form of plush towels, furniture re-placement, house plants, and muffin-smelling aromas.
I kid you not.
Here's the funny part. The guest bathroom now has a stack of three books laying on the back of its toilet. The books happen to be mine. Their titles: "Walking With The Poor", "The Politics of Jesus", and "Just Peacemaking". Just in case you wanted to do a little light, pro-suburban-life reading while you're going about your business.

Am I alone in thinking that irony doesn't get much better than this?

Breathe Holiness

2006-03-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

When my friends are in dire need of prayer, I am much more likely to read the Bible. Funny, how that happens... So I read different Psalms in The Message this morning, over a fresh cup of French-pressed coffee. Aaaah, coffee and the Bible - you gotta love it. In Psalm 51, David pleads with God : "don't fail to breathe holiness in me".
I thought that was beautiful.
God. Breathing. Holiness. In. Me.
Wow.
I continued the day by hiking up a mountain behind my house - I got to a place where I could see all of LA and beyond, all the way to the next mountain range. It was breathtaking. I sat under a tree and gave some long thoughts to all the stuff that's been going on around me. It's always good to get a little perspective. Mountains are a good place for that. When you're surrounded with so much beauty, it's not as difficult to see God's goodness. Our vision can get so small and narrow sometimes... We begin to fear and fret and worry and doubt. Our hearts hurt, our souls grow cold, our spirits sink.
Yet God doesn't fail to breathe holiness in us.
So take a deep breath.

Suburbia

2006-03-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

"While the ghettos may have their share of violence and crime, the suburbs are the home of the more subtle demonic forces - numbness, complacency, comfort - and it is these that can eat away at our souls." - Shane Claiborne

I do not like suburbia. Yet I am so often there.
God, use me while I'm in the suburbs too...

Past Week

2006-03-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

I can't explain this past week. I don't know where to start, or even whether I should start. I don't have the words to explain the overwhelming sense I have that God's Spirit is moving. Everywhere.
I don't know that I have ever prayed this much. Prayers that actually mean something to me, not just words that I'm borrowing. Prayers that drain me, even if they last for only fifteen seconds.
I have had conversations that are long and deep and that keep me awake at night.
I am exhausted, and ever more convinced that God is very much at work and involved in our lives.
In the past week, the Mom of the family I live with has become one of my favourite people on this planet. The family is moving in June. I thought I'd left the incessant goodbyes in Geneva. But it looks like they're following me wherever I go.
Still, this week has been amazing.
And Aslan is on the move.

Songs Of The Moment

2006-03-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

Looks like I'm in one of my music obsession phases again. Daydreaming about making mix CDs and which songs would go in what order. Taking the long route to places just so I can listen to one more song in the car. It's a little distracting with all the papers I'm supposed to be writing right now. And not a good mix with the emptiness of my bank account...
Here are some of the songs of the moment [a little more mellow than usual...]:
Patrick Park - Your Smile Is A Drug
David Gray - Lately
Tyler Hilton - Rolling Home
Coldplay - Fix You
Matt Wertz - External Fix-It Remedies
Mourning September - Glorietta
Sojourn Worship - You Are My God

On Repeat1

2006-03-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

"My heart is full of this noble theme for my King
So let these words fill up the pages full of praise
You are my God, You are my everything
You are my God, You are my everything

You make the stars burn brighter
You are beautiful
I hear the angels sing
You are beautiful
You are so lovely
You are beautiful
You are so beautiful
You are beautiful."
- Ben Pasley, Robin Pasley

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

"Father in Heaven,
the light of your truth bestows sight
to the darkness of sinful eyes.
May this season of repentance
bring us the blessing of Your forgiveness
and the gift of Your light.
Grant this through Christ our Lord."

"Remember you are dust,and to dust you shall return"

People of Passion

2006-02-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

My friend Tara just wrote a post that I would like to quote, because it's exactly where my heart is as well.
i realized something. there are very few people in this world who are TRULY
passionate about something...whatever that something is.i realized that i don't
want to be married unless i find someone who is genuinely passionate and moved
to action by the things in life that are good and beautiful and worthy and of
eternal significance. these are the people who make your heart come alive and
make life closer to what God intended.these people are rare...but worth waiting
for...and worth becoming.

It is my constant prayer that God would surround me with truly passionate people [not just marriage-wise, but friends-wise], because these are indeed the people who make life so much richer and fuller and more life-giving. I pray also that God would hone and grow and move my passions into life-changing action...

Storytelling

2006-02-24T02:47:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to a storytelling evening. It was beautiful and moving and teaching. We sat on the floor, in a warm candle-lit room, and listened as people read and counted stories.
One Korean lady, told us about her mother. She had been forced in an arranged marriage, to marry a man she did not love. In the middle of her story, she went silent. The emotions were too strong for her to bear. But it wasn't one of those uncomfortable silences. Instead, she was touched, encouraged to go one, and intently listened to. The tears came easy for me. And I felt like I "knew" her after that...
A poet shared two of his spoken word pieces, crying out against easy Christianity and lopsided evangelism.
My heart drank all this in. My soul was refreshed.
Storytelling should be part of our church gatherings. It is much more memorable than any sort of three point presentation or analysis.

The Good News

2006-02-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who wrote up an answer to my previous post. I've been taking a class on the Emerging Church, and one of the things we talked about was how we define the Gospel, or the Good News. In Protestant circles, we have emphasised the importance of Christ's death on the cross, often at the expense of Christ's inauguration of the Kingdom of God.
So to answer my own question:
The way I understand it, the Good News is that through Jesus Christ, God launched His Kingdom here on earth - and we are invited to join Him in the redemption of the world. By loving God above all else, and loving our neighbours as ourselves (which basically means dying to ourselves and dying to living in a false reality where we are at the center of the world), we can join God in changing the world. Can the news get any better than that?
Comments?

More Than This.

2006-02-22T04:35:00.000-08:00

Talking to a friend a couple days ago on the phone and I found myself repeating "there's just got to be something more than singing worship songs and hearing a good sermon".
For some time, now, I have been feeling spiritually dry. Not the kind of dryness where I doubt God or wonder where He's at. Rather, I feel like the only step forward for me, is going to be through serving and spiritual practices. For some reason, singing a song - no matter how good and theologically sound it is - is not moving me into God's presence anymore.
I think it's time for me to move out and beyond my present experiences. I want deeper and truer fellowship with my God.
I need to find a group of people who serve the poor.
I need to find a group of people who meditate, pray, live in rythms of prayer, contemplate, act.
I may have found it.
:)

An Experiment

2006-02-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

I want to try something.
If you read this, please click "comments" and answer this question:

As you understand it, what is the "Good News"? (as in Christians spreading "the good news"?)

Please please please please can you do this????? It'll only take five minutes... I'll give you a chocolate chip for your effort :) Don't be afraid, there is no WRONG answer.

Love your neighbour

2006-02-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have started watching BBC World News every evening at 7. It is the only news I can get here, that actually covers events happening outside the United States.
Tonight, I learned about the Democratic Republic of Congo - up until a half hour ago, I was like the rest of the world: ignorant of the "human catastrophe" going on there. People are being forced to move into displacement camps because both the military and the mai-mai rebels are burning their villages. Almost no aid gets to these camps, so most people starve to death. You can read more about this here: DR Congo

I am going to make a statement here. I think that as Christians, we have a responsability to find out what is happening in the world. And we need to be doing something about it. Why?
In Mark 12:29, Jesus answers a question about what the greatest commandment his. He says: "The first in importance is, 'Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.' And here is the second: 'Love your neighbor as well as you love yourself.' There is no other commandment that ranks with these."

Do you remember the story of the good samaritan? It comes as an answer to the question "who is my neighbour?"In this age of world news and internet and skype and chat rooms, our neighbour is pretty much everyone in the world. And part of following Jesus means loving them as much as we love ourselves...

So what are we going to do?

Eloquent Living

2006-01-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

I have always been a little uneasy about evangelism - especially when it is understood as something you "go out and do" in addition to your normal Christian living. And the whole proclamational thing usually makes me shudder and squirm.
Yet in the book of Acts, Paul does some proclamational evangelism: he talks to a multitude of people about Jesus. So I should be ok with this format, right?
Well, maybe. You see, Paul always seems to be answering a question when he gives evangelistic sermons to the crowds. Always! Why?
Because the way these early Christians lived evoked a question. The activity of God in their lives demanded an explanation.
What the heck is going on here? Are these people drunk? How come these followers of the Way can heal crippled beggars?
And so Paul replies. He explains. He recounts the story of God. He explains who Jesus is and how He fits in to God's redemptive plan. He seeks to answer their questions.

The way Christians live their lives should result in a lot of questions from an onlooking crowd. If people aren't encountering something different in us, why would they care about what we have to say about God? If knowing God isn't changing our external lives, then why would anyone want to know God?
And if people aren't coming to know Jesus, is it because they are hard hearted and blind, or is it because we aren't living lives that entice a question?
Why are you chosing to give your money away? Why are you so hospitable? Why is it that you spend your lives with the people who are regularly frowned down upon, when you could be earning more money doing something else? Why are you always so ready to help? Why do you respect me? How can you keep forgiving this person?
If the questions are asked of us, of me, of you, then I'm all for proclamation. But only if the questions are asked.
And if they're not asked, then what is wrong with my life that people aren't curious about it? In the words of my transformational development professor, "we need to get down on our knees and ask God why our life and our work are so unremarkable that they never result in a question relating to what we believe and whom we worship".

God, please help us live eloquent lives.

on being missional

2006-01-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

I have come across the word "missional" a lot - it is one of those words the emerging church uses a lot. But I never really understood what it meant. Like, I couldn't define what a missional church was, really, apart from the fact that it was a church that saw itself as being a missionary to the community in which it met.
But after reading the first couple chapters of The Shaping Of Things To Come, I am starting to grasp the meaning of the word.
And I love it.
A missional church seeks to infiltrate the community. I love that word, infiltrate. It's like we really are supposed to win over the community with salt and light in ways that a traditional church can't really do if its members stay within the church walls.
The missional church is not attractional (as in, it doesn't try to attract people into their building), but rather, it sends out its people into the community. It is focused outwards.
The authors of the book compare their vision for missional church to Vivanne Rocher's (the main character in the movie Chocolat) chocolate shop. Through engaging people in the austere little village, Vivianne changes lives and brings healing and colour to peoples' existence. This is what the church should be doing! Not waiting for people to come and join a church-sponsored event, but going out and hanging out with the people, creating relationships and deep friendships along the way. Along with deep friendship, comes sharing of life philosophies and purpose. What better way - what better context - to share the hope we have in Jesus? It starts with showing a watching people the kind of community Christians have - not talking about it. If we are striving for Christ-likeness, it will be wholly other, and very attractive... And we necessarily include people into our "church" (i.e. community of friends) wherever they are on the spiritual quest, just by being in relationship with them.
I love this vision (and this post does not do it justice at all). I hope I can be part of a church like this.
I love that I have to read this book for class!

Sweet Provision

2006-01-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Being a Christian rocks.
It's like you're part of a huge family (some of your siblings you have a really hard time with, granted).
I randomly called someone from Mosaic to see if they could give me a ride to church tomorrow. They couldn't, but they hooked me up with someone who could.
It's cool to be part of a family where people take care of eachother, even when they don't know you.

In other news, I went hiking this morning with a friend from Geneva. To be in the mountains again was like water to my soul. We hiked up to a waterfall, found a comfortable spot to sit in, and proceeded to study.
There's nothing like the feeling that everyting might finally be falling into place. I found a place to live yesterday, and here I was today, reading about how to be a Christian development worker, at the base of a waterfall in the middle of the mountains!
There are still many details that need working out. But days like today remind me that God is so very sweet in His provision.

Fuller

2006-01-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm finally there. Seminary. How strange to think that this might well be my home for the next two or three years. It is a scary thought for someone like me, who tends to move around a lot.
But Fuller can keep me here. The classes, the conversations, the people, the environment, the weather (!).I was looking up churches in the area - Erwin McManus' Mosaic meets 5 minutes away. This might be my new church home.
I feel like I'm finally where I need to be: a place where I will be challenged to act upon all the thoughts and ideas that have been brewing in my mind lately. One class requires me to be part of a peace making group. Another one requires me to blog about my experiences in emerging churches (um, wait, I think I'm already doing that!). I will be pushed to be active. God knows that is what I need.
I want the details to be figured out - a permanent place to live, a car to drive, a laptop I don't have to borrow - because I feel like I'm on the brink of a sweet awakening experience. It can't be hampered by stress induced freaking out!
So off I go to the housing services office.
Life is good.

Sometimes, I just can't.

2006-01-02T06:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, at Border's in Los Angeles, I discovered the "Real Life Preacher". He's been blogging for quite a while, and has had so much success, that they published a book of his most popular posts.
I randomly picked up that book, and started reading it. And was hooked. In a post about his growing up, he writes:
"There was a leeetle problem though. Early on it became apparent that something was different about me. I couldn’t make myself believe some parts of the bible. I was a natural born skeptic [...] I wanted to believe. Believing seemed nice, but I couldn’t. I COULD NOT. I felt strange and out of place because everyone else at church seemed to believe everything." [read his complete story here]
I related to that so strongly that I had to put the book down and think about it for a while.

I have just come to LA after spending five days in Dallas with my friend Whitney and her friends. We had many good conversations. The kind that get you all fired up and excited about life and all its intricacies. But some converations made me feel very... different. They were the conversations about praying or reading the Bible or depending on God for things. Some people have such simple faith. They talk to God and believe that He listens and responds. Really believe. I envy them.
I envy them because when I sit down and pray, I often wonder if there is any use in it. I wonder sometimes if God hears me. I wonder if my prayer will change anything.
I envy them because more often than not, my Bible-reading time just leaves me more confused about life instead of inspired and spiritual.
I want to believe. But sometimes, I can't. I just CANNOT.

When I read Real Live Preacher, I felt like I wasn't the only one. It spoke to my soul.

I will never walk away from Jesus. He is all I know. He gives me purpose and passion and a desire to change the world. He makes me want to love people I don't want to love. Having faith in Him is hard for me. But at the end of the day, it is good. And I thank Him for His grace.

Oops

2005-12-28T03:04:00.000-08:00

In my rebellion against surfacey consumer-driven evangelical Christianity, I have forgotten the basics of relationship with God. There must be a return to communication with Him before anything else happens.

"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
But delights in airing his own opinions"
- Proverbs 18:2

Mammon

2005-12-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

Why do we spend more time talking about Chritmas gifts
Than we do about the humble coming of GOD among us?
Why do we spend so much money on useless things
Instead of supporting twenty starving families?
Why do we base our decisions on finance
Instead of following our God-given passions?
Why is it so hard for us to delight in and worship God
But so easy for us to count and dwell upon the abundance (or lack) of our monies?
Why are we so driven by consumption?

Does it break Your heart?

Thoughts On Prayer

2005-12-12T12:18:00.000-08:00

Prayer is a strange thing. It has never come easy for me. My attitude towards it goes something like this:
God knows me inside and out. Not only does He know my desires and dreams, He also knows how He plans to fulfill them. So is there really a point in me "praying" about such and such, when really God knows me better than I know myself anyways.
I feel like my thoughts about some things, my awareness of certain things, my acknowledgement of God's presence in some things are prayers in and of themselves. Is there a need for me to vocalise and set time aside to "pray" about them?
I always feel trite when I try to vocalise things to God. If we are "friends of God", then shouldn't God and I be experiencing life together, instead of me just saying a bunch of words to Him?
I find that many written prayers are beautiful - their poetry is really what inspires me. But prayer has to be more than words, right?
I have so much to learn. I know that prayer should change me, first and foremost. But how does that transformation happen?
I feel like I have never had a grasp on what true prayer really is. Sure, I can "pray out loud" and sound all nice. But what if prayer were to become a habit in my life that no one else knew about? Authentic conversation between God and I?
Are feelings prayers? After I watched Hotel Rwanda, I had so many emotions - could those emotions be translated to prayer? Just being aware of the suffering, and reflecting upon the plight of those less fortunate than me. Can that be a prayer, even if I don't ever say "Dear God, please help those people"?
And will my pleading change things? Or does God see beyond my pleading? It seems He always meets me five steps ahead of where I was thinking He would.
Just some thoughts...

Inspiration In Unlikely Places

2005-12-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

I am listening to Green Day and looking at my sister's latest online pictures.
And it makes me want to live a little more.
Pick myself up and move forward.
Enough with sitting here doing nothing and moaning about it.

i've been thinking about you
but then i thought of who i was
maybe i see a little of me in you
and it reminds me
of who i could be
sorry i lost myself
can we meet again
when i'm me?

"Singleness Is A Gift"

2005-12-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

I really hate it when pastors say that.

Hotel Rwanda

2005-11-14T18:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I watched the movie Hotel Rwanda.
I don't really have the right words to describe my emotions...
Anger. How can people kill so hatefully? So heinously? How can the West have stayed so damn silent while millions suffered and died in Rwanda?
Grief. Entire families were wiped out and left dead on the open road for everyone to see. Innocent people. Brothers, sister, mothers, aunts, fathers, friends.
Guilt. How can I be satisfied selling coffee and watching rich children get new toys and coming up with new theological theories? Can I justify two years in seminary when there is terrible injustice going on all around me?
Incomprehension. How can God even bear to look down upon this? How can there be so much injustice in a world that He has created and willed into being?
Brokeness. God - what can I do? what can we do? bring me out of selfishness. help me be a peacemaker. a comforter. a bearer of justice.

One line hit me hard. A journalist in the story says "even if the horror is portrayed and shown in the media, the people will watch, and say "how horrible". Then they'll go back to eating their dinner".

I found this prayer as I was researching the current situation in Sudan... It is one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever read.

May God bless you with discomfort,
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial
relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger,
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of
people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and
peace.

May God bless you with tears,
To shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation,
and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn
their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness,
To believe that you can make a difference in this
world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be
done.
Amen.

Empty Space

2005-11-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'm overdue for a post. Truth is, I don't have much inspiration. My heart and mind and soul have been busy processing and thinking and taking in and responding and being confused.
Life is good. I have a free place to live. I have a free car to drive. I have jobs that pay good money. I'm meeting good people. God provides faithfully. And mercifully. I am learning that.
But life is hard, too. Leaving a place where you belong is hard, no matter how much you feel like you need to move on. I've been here for two months. I've met some great people. I've had some good times with one of my best friends.
But I don't have that feeling of belonging. And that, in all honesty, has been the cause of many a tear. Who woulda thunk?
I'm in a suburb full of people, near a city full of people. I live with people. I work with people. I talk to people.
But I don't really laugh. Like the hearty laugh that makes your abs hurt. I don't drop in on people. I don't share memories. I don't have history with anyone. I don't share a common purpose with anyone.
I'm not really part of anything.
I don't belong.
So that's me right now. I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me or anything. Just reflecting on how much community can be taken for granted. On how much I need it. On how much I had it.
God, if nothing else, let this empty space, this hole left by the sense of disappearing community, let this empty space be filled by YOU. Teach me now the things I couldn't learn then. Teach me.

Indescribable

2005-10-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the Indescribable Tour on Wednesday. It was amazing. Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman are true worship leaders - and intent on directing their audience's attention towards God. And Louie Giglio has a way with words, a way with passion. I left the "concert" so thankful for the God I serve, the God I seek, the God I strive to be like. And so thankful that this awesome God knows me intimately. It's mind-blowing. Wow!

"From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea,
Creation's revealing Your majesty.
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring,
Every creature unique in the song that it sings,
All exclaiming,

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by
name.
You are amazing God!
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly
proclaim,
You are amazing God!

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go?
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light?
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night?
None can fathom

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God!
You are amazing God!"

-- Chris Tomlin

Fall in Chicago

2005-10-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

2005-10-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Some days are to be remembered. Not necessarily because something extraordinary happens, or because it's someone's birthday, or even because it has been really bad or something. Some days are just filled with little things that stirr the heart. And those days should be remembered.
Today was one of those days.
The weather was perfect. Cool, sunny, autmun-coloured.
I listened to a sermon on CD about God's centrality in our story, in the story of the world. It's not about us, it's about God. The speaker was so passionate, and so in love with God, I could feel my eyes welling up after about three minutes of listening to him. At one moment, he challenged the congregation to picture facing God. And to imagine Him saying two words to us: "well done". I realised I have a hard time believing He would say that to me...
I prayed with Marie, and listened to some of my favourite worship songs, singing along in worship.
I went to Church. When handing me the bread for communion, the pastor said "Thais, this is the body of Christ". Do you know how long it's been since I've heard someone say my name at communion? It is a detail, but it warmed my heart. I felt known. I love this church. The people, the way things are done, the way my heart is stirred.

Thanks God, for today.

A Motivating Read

2005-10-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

So I finished Rob Bell's book, "Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith". What a great book. Great because it not only prvided for some good reading and thinking, but it kept pointing me to an INCREDIBLY AWESOME God. After I finished it, I just wanted to read the Bible. And I did!
Books like that are few and far between...
Rob Bell tackles most of what's been on my heart this past year. Cultural context and judaic tradition, the Kingdom of God, what it means that God is restoring Creation unto Himself, social justice, evangelism, salvation, definitions of church, the challenges of being a disciple, heaven and hell. It's all there.
I'm sad I finished it so fast. What am I going to read now?

2005-10-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

I read this a couple of months ago on a youth specialties website, and just stumbled upon it again. Food for thought.

"Evangelical Christians are the least likely group of people willing to give financial support to a child orphaned as a result of AIDS, according to a recent survey of North Americans. Did you catch that? The least likely!
In other words: those not declaring their allegiance to Jesus Christ are more likely to live out the gospel with these orphans and widows.
I'm enraged by this. I'm embarrassed, saddened, and frustrated. And I point my finger at myself, since I've done nothing up to this point. But my emotions won't do a thing to help the 13 million children affected by HIV/AIDS.
13 million—that's how many kids have lost one or both parents, not including the millions more who are living in a home where their lives are drastically affected by this deadly disease.
Only action will help. James 1:27 says: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
Let's show people that being a disciple of Jesus Christ isn't about just amassing knowledge for a future in heaven; real disciples aren't me-focused, living for their next contemporary worship fix or Christian t-shirt. Real disciples are action-oriented, aggressively leaning toward days of hope and a gospel of love." - Mark Ostreicher

2005-10-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Church was great. Ten minutes of silence around communion. No announcements. Corporate scripture reading out loud. People talked to me. Art - painting, pottery, multimedia. Prayer. A worship band that doesn't draw attention to itself. Thinkers. I can't wait to be part of this community.

I am reading Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell. Good stuff.
I am listening to "A Collision", by the David Crowder Band. Amazing.

2005-09-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

I took a walk in a forest preserve today. Finally. Fresh air, trees, deer, no cars or buildings in sight...
It made me think of a lot of things.
I thought about the futile things we put so much importance in.
I thought about how easily we lose our sense of wonder.
I thought about how I had been raised and taught to appreciate the things that matter.
I thought about how much human beings have complicated the life God has given us.
I thought about what's really me and what's done to please or fit it or conform.

Life in Chicago is good. It has its high points (church, hanging with Marie,being in a new place, etc). It also has its lows. It's been emotionally difficult to live among the rich. Not because I envy them, but because I am just overwhelmed. I don't feel like I am around real people. It's like people are having to play into a certain role... But what's underneath all that?

This is the church community I am currently hoping I can call my home for a little while: Sojourn

2005-09-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm on the other side of the ocean... So far, so good. People have been incredibly kind to me. I feel underservedly blessed.
I went to Willow Creek's Axis service tonight - the sermon was good. It was all about the tongue, and how we really need to be watching what we say. Nothing new, but a needed reminder. It triggered some thinking about this past year.
Man, I have really struggled. I can't really put it into words, but it's been a difficult year. I hope this new environment will motivate and hurl me into a thirst for God and His Word. I really need - and I really want - communion with Him. Communion with others. I pray this place will provide that.
I know I need to be far from home and all that entangles me there. I'm excited about these coming days, these coming months, these coming years.
God, I know I have payed a lot of lipservice to You without really backing it up with any actions. Please take my heart and transform it completely. Free me from the things that I've let entangle me. Free me from the need of approval. Give me a thist for You that will have me drikning from Your Word and from Your Presence daily. Help me find myself in You. Because You are the only one who's worthy. I love you, Jesus, and I want to come back to living every day, every instant for You.

Five Days & Counting

2005-09-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long break. I spent a week down in the beautiful South of France. It was good, overall. The landscapes were beautiful, the smells were sweet, the company was good.
I am five days before departure. It's a constant whilrwind of emotions: apprehension, excitement, melancholy, nostalgia, hope, disappointment. It's hard. But also not a big deal. Part of me can't wait to get out of here; a big part of me. But there's that little part of me that still wants to hang on to the security of friendships I have here.
And it's a weird thing, that, because I'm overly sensitive these days. Which explains the wide range of emotions.
Ugh. I wish we humans weren't so... what's the word.... thick headed?

Dear God

2005-08-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
I really don't like who I am these days. I seem to only care for myself. My sense of compassion is shrinking. And my patience with people is quasi-non existent. I write and talk about how I want to serve You, and how I want to know You, and how I want to glorify You.
But when I really think about it, I am just a selfish little kid who wants attention, love, acceptance; who still manages to think she is better than others; and who continues to try to please everyone.
I talk too much, and I don't love enough.
I read too much, and I don't pray enough.
I criticise too much, and I don't do anything to change.
I try to get everything right - so much so, that I can't get anything done, let alone it being done decently.
I am fakely authentic.
And I let people convince me that I'm ok instead of falling to my knees in repentance.
I could finish this by saying "and yet Your amazing grace covers all of that".
Truth is, I don't think I even know Your grace. Not in my heart, I don't.
But I think I may be ready to learn, if You're still willing to teach me.

Tonight

2005-08-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

I bought my plane ticket for Chicago. The leap into the unknown has just became real. I just got scared of missing people. I am really excited about getting involved in new things, and being in a new environment. But tonight my heart hurts for the close friends I'm leaving.
And so continues my endless coming and going...

"Stay away from me, cause I'll be gone soon
It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
It's nothing that you've done, you're not the only one
I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon.
I keep forgetting to keep you an arms length aways."
- Matt Wertz, Falling Off The Face Off The Earth

My Smile-Filled Sunday

2005-08-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

God gave me a really cool gift today.
He allowed me to lead worship (well, I wasn't leading worship, I was in the worship team) at church with one of my best friends (who happens to be a pretty darn good musician).
It was so sweet, I was smiling the whole day.
And it wasn't just because it sounded good. Or just because it's fun to do stuff with your friends. Or even because I got a lot of encouraging words after it.
You see, I am deeply convinced that I need to be doing ministry with people that I love. And every time I get a chance to, I just feel a huge sense of God's blessing. It's like "yeah, this is what ministry should be like".
So, I had a smile-filled Sunday. And I'm just really thankful for it.
Definitely a cool gift.
Thanks, God.

2005-08-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

Toi

Comment expliquer?
C'est dans tout ce que tu dis
Tout ce que tu fais
Tout ce que tu es.
Et moi,
J'attends.
Mes mots se perdent
Mes pensées se confondent
Et toi, tu arrives
Toujours au bon moment.

Ungathered Thoughts

2005-08-09T04:49:00.000-07:00

I can be really influenced by the people around me. I wish it was the opposite. I end up looking like whoever it is I spend most time with. Why is that? If I was spending lots of time with God, I guess it would be a good thing. But alas, this is not the case.

Some people have the ability of killing my enthusiasm. It's weird. They'll just say a couple things and my once high heart sinks low into my soles. Then I'm in a funk for the rest of the day. I don't know if it's my constant search for approval or their lack of encouaragement. Probably a mix of both.

I can't wait to go to the States. I am nervous, because who knows where I will be living and how I'll be earning. But I can't wait to be in a new, stimulating environment. There isn't much here that "stimulates" me. I used to be so into photography, so into music, so into writing. Now, I just go through my days with hollow passion and a shrinking capacity for dreams.

I wish I understood what it really meant to follow Jesus. That it is not just a simple add-on to life. I want to live in Christian community, I want to be challenged every day to live completely surrendered to Him. I don't feel very faithful to Him these days.

Failed

2005-08-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was really exhausted after work. On the bus ride home, a mentally handicapped guy sat next to me and started talking to me. Endlessly. About people living in squats, about acceptance, about being misunderstood by one's parents.
It bugged me. All I wanted was for him to stop talking so that I could close my eyes and doze off. I made an effort to answer him. But I didn't engage into the conversation. I didn't ask him questions. I didn't show much interest, or love, or anything like that. I was actually more concerned with what the normal people around me were overhearing of our conversation than with how much this young man needed to talk to someone.
And I was really glad when I got off the bus.

In case you were wondering, I'm the one who often talks about social justice. About loving the unlovable. About following Jesus no matter what the cost. Apparently, I only want to do that when it's convenient for me. Only during my scheduled community service hours. Don't ask me to be faithful to Jesus when I'm in a bad mood or after I've worked nine hours or when I just don't feel like it.

My handicapped bus companion said "you know, the girl from the squat that I talked to said that many young people aren't open, they don't understand people who are different. But you can always come hang out at the squat, we'll always welcome you here".

I hope he meets someone from a church one day, and that they tell him the same about the church. I sure failed. And there goes another wasted opportunity for making this world a little more right.

Encouraged

2005-07-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

Someone that I totally respect told me I should lead worship, because it's in me apparently.
It was so encouraging to hear that.
Without realising it, I'd sort of given up the thought of leading worship. I don't really know why. I guess I just didn't feel musically adequate at all (still feel that way). I felt like "who am I to lead people in worship?".
But maybe God wants me to do it anway.
Because I really LOVE it when people worship in spirit and in truth. And if He can use me to get someone there, then why not!?

Isaiah 58

2005-07-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about social justice recently. Does God call every Christian and every church to it? I know I have a growing conviction about it. But who are "the poor"? Do we all need to be reaching out to the economically poor, or is caring for the relationally and spiritually poor just as worthy? I don't have an answer yet... But I read Isaiah 58 again this morning. I think this is one of my favourite passages of all time. Wow.

Your Prayers Won't Get Off the Ground
1"Shout! A full-throated shout!
Hold nothing back--a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
2They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people--
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, "What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
3But they also complain,
"Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'
"Well, here's why:
"The bottom line on your "fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
4You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
5Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, GOD, would like?

6"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
7What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
8Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The GOD of glory will secure your passage.
9Then when you pray, GOD will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, "Here I am.'
"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
10If you are generous with the hungry
And start giving yourselves to the down--and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
11I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places--
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
12You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
13"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
GOD's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing "business as usual,'
making money, running here and there--
14Then you'll be free to enjoy GOD!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob."

Heartache

2005-07-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

My favourite coworker asked me today if I'd ever cheated on someone. I said no.
She told me she never had either, but only because she just couldn't. Not because she hadn't tried...
She then went on to tell me she's not happy with her boyfriend. She doesn't really know why she's with him. But she doesn't want to leave him, even though she has many reasons to.
He has cheated on her many times. She says they should never have stayed together for even a week. They've been together for six years now.
She says she doesn't want to hurt him by leaving him.
She says that at least the sex is good.

I don't know about you, but this breaks my heart. Really.
Is this life without God?

I wish I could talk to her about the purpose and joy God can give to life.
I wish I could show her that she is worth respect.
I wish I could change life for her.

So I guess this is where all I have is prayer.
So pray, I will.

Challenged by Rob Bell

2005-07-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." 1 Peter 3:15-16

When was the last time someone asked you to give them a reason for the hope that you have?
Peter assumed that the Way of Jesus would be so different, so counter-culture, so against the grain. That these people who had commited to eachother and to Jesus would be living in such a way that the world around them would constantly be asking "why?". Why do you care? Why do you serve me like this? Why are you listening to me?
If your mouth were duck-taped shut, would we still know that you're a Christian? If our church was ducktaped from being able to say anything, would the larger community still say "those people are an unquestionable force for good. Why do they live like this?"
- taken from a sermon by Rob Bell.

Jeanne

2005-07-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

I love my sister.
And I wish I could put into words how much.
But I can't.
Our friendship in itself is a testimony to God's goodness.
I don't know what else to add, really.

Thinking Out Loud.

2005-07-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Dan Kimball's chapter on Leadership in his book "The Emerging Church". I really liked it. I realise that I know a lot of leaders who are "pastoral" more than they are "executive". They are, in fact, the ones I love and aspire to be like, which only reminds me that is there no need for me to "be postmodern" - I naturally am and I respond to those who are.
I think God is working on my critical spirit. I think that being overly critical is really a sign of being unsure of who you are and what you believe about something. It has been for me anyways.
The bottom line is, I just need to be who and what I am. It has become engrained in me for some time to react to certain terms and certain ways of doing things or certain books as if I am reacting to an allergy. But where's the need for that? I hate people who do that, and here I am, being what I hate!
I have been praying for my heart to be broken - broken by the state of this world, broken by people who are unhappy, broken by the same things that break God's heart. I know that will move me towards prayer much more than anything else will. And may humility accompany all of it.

2005-07-07T02:50:00.000-07:00

boiler rooms

simply amazing

It is scary and unnerving how much this

echoes

with my heart.

$$$

2005-07-07T02:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. My Masters will cost me at least $25 344.
That is A LOT of money.
Overwhelming.
But an opportunity to put my faith in the Provider...
Help!

Small Group

2005-07-06T14:20:00.000-07:00

It is so GOOD to read Scripture with your friends.
So GOOD to worship through song.
So GOOD to share stories of what's God been doing in our lives.
So GOOD to laugh and eat and joke around.

Life feels like it's getting a bit more "back together" again.

Thank You, Jesus.

2005-07-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

P.S.

Please be praying for and about the G8 Summit,

no matter how cynical you may be about it...

Thanks.

2005-07-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm an annoying Christian. I start wondering why I can't be satisfied with normal things like The Purpose Driven Life and Hillsong Australia and the "sinner's prayer"?
Am I being judgemental? Self-righteous? Really, what is my problem? Do I lack grace? And why does everything have to be in line with the way I think? I should be able to see the good in all things, shouldn't I? Why do I always want something different? What is it that I want, even?

Costly Grace.
Discipleship.
Authenticity.
Sacrifice.
Worship.
Service.
Passion.
Truth.
Jesus.

I don't know how to channel my frustration. I don't even know exactly what I'm frustrated with. But I don't want to be the criticial one who is never satisfied. The one who's always tearing everyone and everything down. I need to ask God to give me His vision for things. And if the frustration is from Him, then I need to ask Him to help me change those things while I reach for greater knowledge of Him... I also need to repent from pride and self-righteousness. I really do...

2005-07-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that's the measure that it takes to crush the idols.
Chuck the pews and all the decorations too
Until the congregations few then have revival.
Tell your friends that this is where the party ends
until you're broken for your sins you can't be social.
Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store
and know that great is your reward and just be hopeful

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Take a break from all the plans that you made
And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.
Beg Him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister.
Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open.
Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken.

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Anything I put before my God is an idol.
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol.
Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol.
Anything that I give all my love is an idol.
We must not worship something that's not even worth it.
Clear the stage and make some space for the one who deserves it.

"Clear The Stage", Ross King

2005-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is weird.
Dusk stirrs you.
You feel a little dizzy.
You do things you never usually do.
You sit by the lake alone.
You listen to "When You Say Nothing At All".
And it's just another evening...

Wisdom from Buechner

2005-06-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

So I was reading a collection of Buechner's little essays... And I cam across something rather profound, and it went straight to my heart. I sat there, kind of stunned, and had to stop reading. It was in an essay entitled "The Power of God and the Power of Man".. Here it what I read:

Maybe some say "I know human love, and I know something of its power to
heal, to set free, to give meaning and peace, but God's love I know only as a
phrase." Maybe others also say thins, "For all the power that human love has to
heal, there is something deep within me and within the people I know best that
is not healed but aches with longing still. So if God's love is powerful enough
to reach that deep, how do I find it? How?"
If that is really the question, if we are really seeking this power, then I
have one thing to say [...]: ask for it. [...] Ask, and you will receive. And
there is the other side to it too: if you have never known the power of God's
love, then maybe it is because you have never asked to know it - I mean really
asked, expecting an answer. [...]
Pray to Him, is what I am saying. In whatever words you have. "Lord, I
believe; help my unbelief" is the best any of us can do really, but thank God it
is enough. [...] Prayer is so foreign to us. It's so hard and it is so
easy. And everything depends on it. Seek. Ask. And by God's grace we will
find. In Christ's name and with his power I can promise you this.

I guess I am not the only one who struggles with feeling like I don't really KNOW or EXPERIENCE God's love. I am not the only one who struggles with expecting too much from people, because they are, in many ways, the place where I find healing, incomplete as it may be.... It feels good to realise one is not alone in thinking these things.
Maybe it's time I do some asking. Some seeking. Some believing. So help my unbelief!

Be Near

2005-06-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

But as for me,the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,

That I may tell of all Your works.

Psalm 73:28

This verse inspired Shane & Shane's song "Be Near". Do I really believe that the nearness of God is my GOOD? I do. I really really really do. I miss His nearness. I miss the wonder God causes in my heart. I miss seeing Him and feeling like I'm living for Him. Alive! Filled with joy! Being overwhelmed with His presence... To taste Him... To taste His goodness... Is there anything else to life?

"to trust in grace through faith
but i'm asking to taste...
for dark is light to You
depths are height to You
far is near but Lord, i need to hear from You
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace...
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good."
- Shane&Shane

2005-06-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm under the weather.
Or maybe it's listening to Shane & Shane.
It could be the time of year.
Or just being 25.
But I'm feeling melancholic. I miss my friendships. I can't really explain it, but I don't like growing up and losing people. Losing them to other countries, losing them to other activities, losing them to busy-ness.
Maybe the melancholy is also from God. He is maybe saying to me, Thais, I will never leave you or forsake you. The kind of deep relationship you are craving can only be found in Me. Come spend time with Me...
The problem is my heart. It doesn't react. It doubts. It has a hard time acting on what it can't see or feel. It isn't letting my mind direct it. It's like it has a life of its own and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it!
Speak to my heart, Jesus... I'm begging You.

May It Last.

2005-06-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

I'm happy today!
I got back from a weekend in Zurich that was refreshing. Refreshing because I met a few people whom I really connected with. Because I saw how God is moving in a LOT of young Swiss people's hearts. Because I got to spend time and discuss life with one of my best friends.
I went to Shema and had a moving time of worship through song. There's something about the band there - it feels like I encounter God almost every time I go.
We continued the worship down by the lake with a few friends. I felt like I was in community, which is something I haven't been feeling recently.

Most importantly though, as a result of those three things and of having had some good conversation with my friend Marie recently, I feel a little bit of my passion resurfacing. I feel like spending time with Jesus. I feel like praying, and singing, and reading the Word. I'm hungry for Him... I want to bring my plans for September to Him - and wait on Him.

I think I'm ready to do whatever, God, as long as I know it's You who's calling me to it... I'm waiting for You, Jesus. I want to get reacquainted with You. I don't want to go anywhere without Your direction. I know You're there all the time - but I pray that my heart would really sense You as I try to lay my plans down at Your feet. You know what's best. I pray that I would trust You, and that I would take the time and the effort to listen to You. And I know what that takes: falling in love with You again. Help me see You - because if I see You, there's no way I can do anything but fall in love with You... In the words of Shawn McDonald, won't you please "make me more real"...

Old Friends

2005-05-29T07:44:00.001-07:00

It is strange how people weave in and out of one's life. I always love seeing old friends. They help in putting life's puzzle pieces back together. They know me. We don't have to spend any time getting re-acquainted. We can just start from where we last left off without having to explain things.
The two friends I hung out with last night were my closest friends in high school. So it's like there was this connection, this eagerness to find out about eachother, and about where life has been taking us. It's been taking us in very different places, granted. But we look at life in a similar way nevertheless.
And that's kind of the beauty of it.

Don Miller

2005-05-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

I must admit to something. It's annoying me that the emerging church is embracing Don Miller's book, Blue Like Jazz, so much. It's one of the best book I've read. But having everyone else and their mothers reading it and starting small groups around it kinda cheapens it. Oh well.
All this to say that I'm reading Don Miller's latest book. It's called Searching For God Knows What. I wouldn't say it's as well written as Blue Like Jazz. But Don Miller does it again. He hits the nail right on the head. He expresses something I've been trying to put into words for the last couple months. And he does it quiasi-perfectly (in my opinion).
The book is all about how we crave other people's love and approval. About we have this need to be validated by people. About how our identity needs to be spoken to us by someone outside ourself. It's about Genesis 3 and how we try to fill the relational emptiness caused by the Fall. It's about how Jesus was relational above anything else. It's pretty brilliant.
If you read my post entitled "Confessions", this all might ring a bell. It's crazy. I think Don Miller can read my thoughts. Or something.

If I could press a button and go back to the way it was in the Garden of
Eden, I would, because so many times I don't feel like I have any glory at all.
I feel like I am trying to get other people to say I am important and valued,
and even when they do, it feels as though their opinion isn't strong enough to
give me the feeling I need, the feeling that quit at the Fall.
- Don Miller, in "Searching For God Knows What".

All This Postmodern Stuff - Part II

2005-05-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

You know what?
I don't want to be a postmodern before I am a Christian.
I don't want to have an academically acute understanding of my theology but fail to love my neighbour.
I don't want to spend my lifetime criticising Christians who haven't quite arrived at my super-intelligent level of cultural analysis.
I don't want to think I am non-judgemental, just because I've shifted from judging the poor and rifraffy to judging the rich and the evangelical.
I don't want to define myself by what I am not.
All I really want is to love Jesus.
I want to pray a lot.
I want to serve and not always have to be in the spotlight.
I want to have time and interest for people who are different.
I want to be part of an imperfect - yet seeking to be like Christ - Church community.
That's all.
I think that's pretty much what it means to be a disciple.

All this postmodern stuff is really frustrating me. Someone said "don't talk to Europeans about postmodernism. It's like telling fish about water". I agree. Spare me the pomo BS, I'm ok with trying to live out my faith in a culture that I pretty much understand already. I don't need candles and ancient liturgy to feel like I am being relevant.

My Worldview, according to Quizz Farm...

2005-05-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative

88%

Fundamentalist

69%

Postmodernist

69%

Romanticist

31%

Idealist

31%

Existentialist

Modernist

Materialist

created with QuizFarm.com

For My Current State Of Heart...

2005-05-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

Have You Ever (by Shawn McDonald)
Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems

I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there

He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
What You’re looking for
Is my sweet Lord

May I find You again, Jesus...

Unexplainable

2005-05-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

The feeling's overwhelming.
It washes over me like poison
And these tears I cry
They should not be.
I don't like who I've become
And my trustless heart
Does not know where to seek its refuge.
I've heard it's in You,
But I can't seem to get there.
It's like I'm stuck here
In my own loneliness.
And all I seem to know how to do
Is to dig my own cisterns,
All the while knowing
It's not here
That I'll find any living water.

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters; [...]
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy? [...]
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live."
-Isaiah 55:1-3

2005-05-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I get really scared of finding myself alone one day.

2005-05-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Tears

2005-05-07T04:50:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I shed tears.
Sunday a couple weeks ago, I shed tears.
The first Sunday after I returned from Thailand, I shed tears.

On those three occasions, missionaries were sharing about their experinces, about their lives, about the situations in which they were working.
My heart broke at their words. At the injustices of this world. At my own comfortable state.
My heart broke as the ache to go grew stronger.
My heart broke because they spoke with such passion, and such conviction that change is possible.
My heart broke at the Jesus-filled lives of these people.

Does God guide us through our hearts? Are tender hearts an indication of Jesus' call to follow? What if God wanted me to go do humanitarian work in some obscure country of the world, instead of planting a church in Europe? What if?

Non-Christian Europeans don't make me cry. I know I should be broken over their state. But the truth is, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about 13 year-old girls being sold into prostituion than I am over an 18 year old teenager who's too rich and comfortable to really worry about God. The former will get me on my knees, pleading to her Creator. The latter will at best have me rely on my own gifts to perhaps hope to create a desire for God in him...

I don't know what to do with all this. Just some thoughts.

Confessions...

2005-05-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10

I went on a walk tonight and sat by the lake for a while. Spring is most definitely in the air, and there is something about it that fills me with undefinable melancholy. It happens with every change in season. I start thinking about certain people, certain songs, and certain events that have had an impact on me during that particular season. Back to my walk, however. It was good to have a time of stillness. I've been running around too much lately. It was good, but it was also hard, because I felt really convicted. You see, I am a still very much a people-pleaser. Much more so than I am a God-pleaser. Peoples' approval is sadly very much what motivates me.
I live for my friends' approval. I want them to think I'm deep and spiritual and encouraging and passionate and smart. I want them to think I'm a great friend.
I live for my church community's approval. I want them to think I'm a good example, that I'm dedicated, that I'm brave for going off to Thailand on my own, that I'm a good worship leader.
I live for kids' approval - I want them to look up to me, I want them to think I'm cool, inspiring, fun, non-judgemental, interesting.
I live for my leaders' and mentors' approval - I want them to think I am smart, thoughtful, relevant, useful, good at ministry.
My words could fool a lot of people into thinking I'm all out for Jesus. But if you were to see my life, my actions, you wouldn't know I even KNOW God. I don't pray much. I treat people with a lot of arrogance. I have the worst of critical spirits. I seek to control people. I am incredibly selfish.
If I was in step with the Spirit - if I really lived in relationship with Jesus - wouldn't my life display things like peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? Funny that most of those things are precisely what I lack.
Oh if only I were a GOD-pleaser... I so need to focus on my relationship with Christ. If I don't abide in Him, all of this is to no avail. None whatsoever... So help me, God! Help me to love YOU, and not just the idea of You. Help me to serve YOU, and not just Your people. Help me to seek YOU, not just the advice of Your saints...I just thought of the Shane Barnard song "Received". It reflects exactly how I feel tonight. So I'll leave you with the lyrics.

Received
You can only go so far until the bottom falls out.
All my singing, smiling. Pleasure finds me, i'm all right
Pretty melody dedicated to God.
To be called by one Almighty God and take it for granted.
Heard a rumor i guess, but i wanna know who told me
Told me serving You replaced me knowing You!

Can i be received?
Unclean oh Lord am I.
Find me in my shame
You are all I need
Please don't pass me by
I call upon Your name

You whispered to Your child today
But i haven't got a minute to listen
Your child is busy with the work of God and taking Him for granted
Got a lot to do today, kingdom work's the game I play
Lord, my serving You replaced me knowing You.

Dear God...

2005-05-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
Will You please help me love?
Will You please help me encourage?
Will You help me tame my tongue?
Will You please help me shine?
There's just one thing I really want.
And that's to fall.
Deeper.
In love.
With You.
Break me.